What is Nonviolent Communication?

Nonviolent (Compassionate) Communication is a way of communicating with others and ourselves that strengthens our ability to stay in touch with our humanity and get our needs met, even under trying circumstances. Instead of habitual responses, our words become conscious responses based on a clear awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling and wanting. We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while at the same time paying respectful and empathetic attention to others.
With its focus on human feelings and needs, the practice of NVC emphasizes emotional intelligence over intellectual analysis in expressing what's going on in people. With its reliance on objective observations rather than evaluations NVC avoids the likelihood that people will defend themselves from value-laden judgments. And finally, by employing clear requests in place of demands, NVC raises the bar for communication skills by allowing everyone to address their needs met on their own terms, without coercion, fear of retribution, or loss of self-esteem.
To arrive at a mutual desire to give from the heart, we focus the light of consciousness on the following four steps:

Neutral (non-judgmental) observation of the specific words or actions
that are affecting our sense of well-being.
Identifying what we are feeling in relation to what we are observing.
Identifying the needs and values that underlie these feelings.
Making a specific request for actions that will enrich our lives.

NVC is a very simple process, but mastering it requires that we overcome years of cultural conditioning of trying to get our needs met through fear, guilt and manipulation and that we learn alternatives to defending, attacking or withdrawing in the face of criticism. It requires us to remain focused on what is important to ourselves and what might be important to others - beyond whatever words they may be using. When someone - even one who isn't familiar with this way of communicating - hears this heartfelt expression, they are much more likely to give us a positive response.

Of course, not everyone "hears" what we say, especially if they are used to communicating with us in "the old way". When this happens, we need to express sincere empathy (not sympathy) for what they are feeling and needing. Once they feel heard, they are able to hear what we are really saying and feel the human connection. This kind of natural human connection helps everyone to feel recognized and to meet their needs with the help of others.

Unfortunately, we live in a world where people rarely connect with others (and themselves) in this natural way. But as Gandhi said, "Never confuse what is habitual with what is natural". NVC gives us the ability to overcome our habitual, disconnected communication patters and live in the world in a natural way. And each time we do, there will be another person who feels good about what happened and may well wonder how to make that happen more often.

For information about the work's international scope and effectiveness visit the Nonviolent Communication web site.

"NVC helps us to connect with each other and ourselves. That allows our natural compassion to flourish."
-- Marshall Rosenberg